 The clock stroke 12.30 when we finally get into the bus. We were thirsty, hungry, tired... too freakin exhausted. It was busy hour and there were not much room in that bus. So you sat yourself next to me, tightly together. The fabric of our clothes created friction as the bus sped. The bus sped. My tummy growled loudly, and you were looking at me. First looking startled, then laughing. I really wanted to snack on my Mars bar but I wanted to save it for dessert I told you, so I put it back in my bag. You were laughing still. The bus sped. I was wondering when would we reach the destination when I found you looking at me. Yes. You were looking at me. I never notice the way your eyelash swayed as you blink - wait a second, eyelash swaying? What the hell it supposed to mean? And for awhile I thought you stop the time. The bus sped. As our eyes glued to each other, my heart beat faster and louder it beat the hell out of my tummy growl. I bet you can see my flat chest pounding. Then you leaned forward and I could count your eyelashes by then - if I wanted to.I could smell the scent of your skin, mixture of substances and sweat and it was good. The bus sped. You gently touch my lips with yours, cushioning me with your softness. I was pulled in by your passion, and the thought of doing something had never appealed so right. Our eyelashes must've been swaying together as our lips locked to each other. Your tongue encircled mine as if saying hello. I was melting in your sweet, warming concoction. The clock stroke 12.40 when we finally reach the destination. We stepped out of the bus and just as the thought ran on my mind. There's never a guilt in pleasure. It was pleasure, no less, there you said to me. And let's go get something to eat was everything I managed to reply. Although we'll never reach any destination, thank you it was lovely. ... and for that while, I thought you stop the time.
A friend had just got her heart broken. Her prince charming had brutally pushed her out of the picture. "I'm not going to trust anyone ever again. Never." There she made a statement - now that sounds familiar!She was the one glowing with happiness, less than a year ago, announcing that she had finally found the love of her life. "You should, too," said her then. How ironic. The thing that can give you a blaze of glory can also wash you off the sink in no time. But hey, we've all been there right? There were those moments when I sank my head - and heart - so low and vowed the same I'm-not-going-to-trust-anyone-again. But trust had always been an issue for me ever since I was a child and so vow or no vow, it would always been a big wall standing between me and the world. And of those painfully beautiful stories I've written, I admit I miss them....
Oh and yes, by saying never, we are actually expecting something to happen, although we don't want to admit it, of course.
Yes. My heart had been broken few times before, but it's still beating and improvising. From what I remember, we can't choose the one we're falling in love with. We can't say "Ok, I'm ready. Let's go fall in love." There are too many people, too many stories, too many paths to choose from. We'd spend time with each of them unsuspectingly, playing around a bit and then suddenly we did it. We fell for a special someone, without any notice. If it's mutual then we must have hit the jackpot. If we're lucky, they would never leave us. In our luckiest, they would never fall in love with anyone else again. But the stories are always random. And since those things that didn't kill us would only make us stronger, we get to choose a story again. And if it fails (again), we'll find ourselves cursing and making those I'm-not-going-to-trust-anyone-ever-again. And then history will repeat itself, again and again. Perpetually, if we let it to be. Unfortunately the stop button isn't ours. On the bright side, it can't rain all the time. But for now, just grab your coat, sweetie... that's all you can do. 
it was one of her quick escape. after work. after those activities of extra curricular she couldn't care less - but those are social obligatory, mind you...long day indeed. she exhaled a thick smoke. work and its extra curricular had bound her with life warrant. a thought crossed her mind if she really was belong to everyone but herself. but was I ever belong to anyone? she uttered a question to herself. nobody replied of course, since she was alone in that place. back to the her question. it's like a paradox. she hated being in love with everyone. and she hated herself when she's not. it's a guilty pleasure, like a cigarette smoke. she quickly glanced to the evidence at hand. something she regularly despise but once in a while she craves it like crazy. that sweet sting, the feeling of feeling nothing. the excitement equals to mucking around a drawer looking for something you don't even know.and what is this world that is hastening me toward I know not what, viewing me with contempt?
nothing. it's just reality, really.
she inhaled deeply before letting out a cloudy smoke.
she had to admit, though, that the smoke had gotten into her eyes for so long she had forgotten what it was back then.
the fabricated happiness had erased fragments of her favorite recollection.
top of her playlist was dreamwalking bare feet on the sand,
with scorching hot sun nestled on the canopy of achingly clear sky.
blissful.
ah. if only she could recreate what her sense were having by then.
anyway, can't complain... she smiled to herself.
after all it's much better than living a lie.
she crushed the cigarette butt to the ground.
and yes... she had chosen the ground she's standing onto.
yes it's ugly and cold, but it's also solid and stable.
cool wind shuffled her hair playfully,
as the icy breeze licking her nape deliberately.
she didn't have to check upon the sky to know that rain is approaching near.
just one more cigarette and then let's call it a night, there she made her decision.
 The girl lit up the tea light candle quietly.
Scent of her favorite rose bouquet wafted through the air.
She inhaled, slowly, laying herself on her bed.
Then the scent started to trace a hint of another composition.
A niche composition that matches hers.
She smiled as her eyes wide shut.
Fabricated happiness.
No, not really fabricated anyway, she frowned.
A sanctuary, yes, she smiled to herself.
Yes, when you can't afford to have the tropical sojourn you've been dreaming of,
you can always have those little vacation instead.
When you longed for a pause after awhile,
and you knew you have yet opened one pandora box on your closet upstairs.
Yes, it kept on haunting you, like lust wildly abandoned.
Teasing you with its playful tone & manner.
You knew you just have to indulge.
And then up the stairs you ran, with passion you never thought you had in you.
As you flung your closet, a cool breeze waved past you, down to your spine.
The box fell open, your soul refreshed, your senses were delightfully spoilt.
And by that time you knew, you've had just had your vacation.
She opened her eyes again.
Her cellphone beeped one incoming message.
"Am reminiscing. I really like the way you kiss."
It was the guy she met on the vacation.
A newfound sanctuary.
She smiled as she floated herself into a dream.
A new day will emerge.
And she can't hardly wait for that.
an ex file with excess baggage (a.k.a. emotional dumps) recently filed a complaint. by saying this, he's way past the 2-months-late period. I've been told that things work better when they're a bit dirty. like I know hair and eye make up are way sexier when they're a bit messy. like the way a sharp ironed shirt were after a hard day and hard play ;) but when goods hit their expiration date, they're good no more, sweetay. so just spare all those flowers and candy. I'm telling you this so you can save your cute ass, and that might also save faces. I'm never proud of my past, I don't want to start having any regrets. it's not that I'm not friendly. but we were never friends, so what's with all the fuss? 
 | 5.55 | Mar 5, '08 2:57 PM
for everyone |
Jam 5.55 sore. Bukan waktu yang paling tepat buat pulang. Terutama dalam gelimpangan hujan sederas ini. Mencari taksi saja sudah cukup jadi satu PR sendiri, belum macetnya. Tapi rasa capek dan ngantuk ini makin memantapkan objective gue untuk sampai rumah, segera. Untungnya sih enggak perlu sampai berlama - lama mencari, gue langsung dapat taksi. Nah, satu rintangan sudah terlewati. Baru satu tentunya, karena gue masih harus bergumul dengan kemacetan di jalanan. Sepuluh menit. Lima belas menit. Berasa sekali senti per senti yang bergerak dalam hitungan menit. Sebenarnya lumayan sih, jadi punya waktu membalas SMS yang sudah hampir seminggu berjejal di inbox. "Lo kemana aja sih? Ngilang!" "Javajazz?" "Jd, gmn? ;)" Teng! Klakson mobil yang mendadak sontak pas disebelah kuping memecah konsentrasi gue. Menyebalkan. Tapi gue jadi menengok ke luar, melewati jendela. Warna langit sehabis hujan itu indah banget. Tetesan hujan yang menepi di kaca jendela makin menguatkan rona warnanya. Bulir - bulir air bergelayutan, seperti menahan diri untuk tetap berada di tempatnya. Sebagian dari mereka akhirnya menyerah, lalu bergabung menjadi satu sebelum akhirnya jatuh bersama - sama. Tiba - tiba saja gue jadi menahan napas. Jari gue yang sejak tadi asik scrolling deretan SMS lama ternyata berhenti pada satu nama. Dan butiran hujan yang perlahan membias semburat oranye semakin terlihat indah. I know, I'm going to miss you.
I think, there must be a great reason behind the " If someone have a good reason to refuse this union, speak now or remain silent forever" in every weddings.  damn it. I would kill to have you for one day now...
| E | Feb 17, '08 2:40 PM
for everyone |
What do you want? Too many of those lines hammering down on me for sometimes. I can't even remember when was the last time I ask to myself - What do I really want? What do I want? I have no idea. Might be overly exaggerating, but yes I'm a people pleaser. I'd put all the crumbs together in a recycled brown bag just to see someone smiling, knowing that what I want to do was to feed those crumbs to the goldfish or maybe to eat them myself. I scraped the leftovers off their plate when they had enough with it. I listened to the same music, over and over again, because I thought I had to. When people invited me over, I can't say no even if I hate them like I hate flies. When someone asked, "Are you happy?" I nodded diligently. Strings of negative remarks crossed over me, but I couldn't let others feeling down. Just can't. And then it became a burden. Something burst inside. Something I thought wasn't there. Emptiness. Then I began questioning - Am I happy? Am I pleased? Who am I tonight? When I was so busy trying to take care of them all and keep everyone happy, I know I'm not taken care of. And definitely unhappy. Once someone remarked, "You just can't say no to people, do you?" It was like a wake up call to me. What have I done? I think. I'm going to put all those crumbs together and just eat them all. I might going to get sick, might regret it later. But please just stop bringing rubbish in. You might want to dust it off yourself later because I want to kill those excessive cybils. And for everything else, I couldn't care less. I've forgotten some of the most important things that really matter. Those freckles and debris and confetti I really want. I must rearrange and regroup the right items back together. But in order to do that, I must shut down. For awhile. Now be quiet and let me enjoy my breakfast. 
arms tangled. lips intertwined. wishes scattered. hearts mangled. 
| part one | Feb 11, '08 3:16 PM
for everyone |
 once upon a time,
in the city lived a happy girl.
she loved her life and everything about it.
things were fabulous with all bunch of roses.
until one day,
a shining star shattered right in her face.
she didn't notice until the spatter hits her delicate face.
she then realized she had been walking blind all the time.
all the time.
the happy girl turned sappy.
she stopped to look around her.
routine is like rust.
routine had put her in such cage she denied, although she admitted she had walked in willingly long time ago.
she lived well.
but she hadn't live her dream yet.
or was it someone else's dream?
she couldn't tell anymore...
routine is like rust.
she had walked off the path for so long,
she couldn't even recognize herself.
for a moment she thought her alter ego, her beast, had completely taken over her.
the story of dorian gray must be true then.
when she faced the mirror, she found her beautiful self against a wrinkled, greying old lady who had her eyes.
she wanted to smash the mirror into pieces but it would be unjust.
she couldn't remember when exactly.
but she could remember letting out her fears and disappointment, in those tears she let fall.
and she could remember herself smiling, not just laughing.
she wanted a fermina daza story, not just writing one.
she wanted a valentine, not just dreaming of one.
she wanted to walk in the light again, not wandering blind alone.
and she wanted somebody to hold her hand in the light, not just groping them in the dark.
her mind was too cluttered with so many things,
she couldn't find any twist.
she only knew that she needed to confess.
only then a new story will begin.
*to all my good friends who are in search of the sunrise. no matter how dark it is, don't worry. it will come eventually =)* 
| adlibs | Feb 10, '08 4:27 AM
for everyone |
so much for putting on a show.
you're not the purest form of being, so just stop playing angel because we've seen what's underneath.
I can't remember how many faults I have put on, and I can't remember yours, either.
but let's just forget about everything.
of all the dreadful hours I've run into,
of all those painful pill I've kept in the box,
of all those harsh detail I'd never let you see,
of all those made up words I've suggested for a smile,
of all those wrong strikes you've played in the field,
you've just put a home run.
let's just stop running around.
the field is closed.
... tells me that I'm going to have a great week : "Feeling stronger, sexier, and more capable and adventurous than should be legal. So even though your first inclination might be to freak out and question everything, don't."
Hmmm.
Freaking out and questioning everything have always been my inclination towards everything.
Hmmm.
The astrologers must be good. They understand the chain of reaction.
"Just embrace it. But remember not to spread yourself too thin — when you're straddling lots of things at once, something's bound to fall by the wayside."
Oh wow.
Now they read anonymous minds.
Now I wonder if they do predictions too.
She put down her cigarette butt on an ashtray nearby. Waving the excessive smoke away, her eyes involuntarily scanned her surroundings. She let out a long sigh, and then a chuckle. It was 2 AM, somewhere in mid January. So much for new year resolutions... She began to wonder if it's just her pride or was it an addiction... or a mere craving. Of something, she added with a smirk. "Hey.." His voice disheveled her thoughts into strays. "Hey.." She replied flatly. A long, lean arm intertwined with hers, another caressing her hips. His and hers, she quickly made a sum, as they were before. His two lips soon joining in, grazing her bare skin as if smoothing through flower petals. "God I worship every inches of you..." His voice was now thicker, filled with passion. His unshaven parts of face playfully brushed her tummy, sending her ticklish joy that she had always loved. She crumbled as he reached her elusive slopes. "You must go now." She couldn't believe what she had just heard. Neither could him, a frozen frame staring in disbelief. He wished he could give her any good reason, instead he was just there sitting numb with her staring back at him. Hard. "So much for a reunion..." he mumbled. He casually grabbed his PDA, consulting on whatever things he missed while the world turning without him in. "So much for a resolution..." she mumbled. She was fumbling with her belongings, looking for one item in particular. She was about to curse when his voice broke down the search. "One for my baby..." he insinuated, having the evidence of the matter with him. "One more for the road?" 
*sadao watanabe's any other fool playing, again and again in my empty mind...*
duh. demanding daytime job, endless nighttime play; getting my mind to work at wee hours, getting personal with endless supply of coffee and cigarettes; having problem of waking up early, having fun with friends online; deleting unnecessaries out, squeezing in time for the ones I care about, losing my mind, losing myself. although I'm sure I've put everything in its place, still something is missing... ... it is you ;) 
*chuck love's beautiful thang took me to you and your mischievous grin tonight baby!*
when was the last time you... ... caught up letting your guard down?
... surrender to that thing?
... mesmerized by its wonders?
... feel what you mean?
... mean what you say? ... make love? ... fall in love? you're lost.
I know. 
*a summary from one lunchtime conversation and an afternoon online conversation with a sweetie. too much to invest, too risky*
| undangan | Nov 22, '07 4:14 AM
for everyone |
"... mengundang Bapak dan Ibu di hari bahagiia putra putri kami..." 
ah.
ada mistype di undangan pernikahanmu. ndak apa kan?
yang penting kamu bahagia.
she stepped out of the sushi joint.
what a lovely meal it had been.
it was her favorite sushi joint indeed hence every visit pulled her to a satisfactory state - not just mere eatery, it's an experience.
an experience, she repeated after herself. she looked up to the sky.
grand and serene as if it was still asleep.
it was dark but she could tell that rain will arrive anytime soon.
"let's race to the car."
it was almost like him whispering to her that night.
she smiled.
it had been quite a long time since the last time she walked home. the streets were shimmering with light, as if contrasting with their dark opponent surrounding.
oh how she loved the streets at this hour.
her feet stabbing onto the rustic tar,
carefully swaying out of holes and moulds and every single of them tells a story.
the air was cool yet languid, as if welcoming her back to its home.
its breeze licked her bare nape, swiveling down her neck, gently, playfully like a lover would.
"this is the way it should be."
she could hear him whispering to her through the breezy wind.
the smell of fresh breeze, vaporing rain that soon coming down tickled her nostrils, a reminiscent of his signature scent. she counted how many lamp post she had passed.
she counted how many days it had been.
and she thought of what might have been.
him, her, them. she scanned every signage she had passed.
words and colors were crumbling inside, transforming themselves into some sort of images that floated over the canopy in her mind.
she was composing love notes that she would only keep for herself later on.
they won't be shared until she find reason to share them with. "can I see you now? I miss you..."
as one particular brand of car swayed past her.
she frowned in the verge of an intersection. a droplet of rainwater touched her cheeks, another softly touched her lips.
she looked up and found that sky was saying hello to her.
droplets of rainwater chasing one another, as in marathon.
rain was gently drizzling on her, soaking her head, shoulders, feet, mind, heart.
rain was pouring its sensual touch in the most lyrical way.
like a lover's touch, she took note while licking her lips. she was waiting for the red light.
what irony, since all her life she had waited for the green light. it was 11, and the streets were quite empty.
the city was getting ready for bed, whatever affair they might have.
lights were illuminated, blinding her with their charm.
the serene, cold surroundings as if to mimic her heart. she was halfway crossing the road when the light had already turned to green.
but she didn't feel the need to rush.
she might have catch a cold, but she wouldn't mind.
she laughed at that thought. it was another lousy monday and she just wanted a blissful ending.
an experience nonetheless.
like the way the rain awashed her soul anew.
"your soul is the most beautiful of all..."
she couldn't help but smile. "thanks for walking with me."
she whispered to the city. nobody replied. 
*the temptations' night and day while dreamwalking somewhere in Jakarta, one blissful monday evening*
two invitations from two different book I thought locked up in my drawer. one was never a book after all.
it's just a nice short story of long awaited lust consumed overnight.
nothing much to remember except for that the sweet, honeyed feeling afterwards.
we got back in track, writing our own stories without intersecting one another after that.
it was quite a surprise when I receive an invitation from him ;) well about the other one.
it is a beautiful, never ending story I would never forget for all time.
the first paragraph started as the ink allowed... (and God forbid, hahaha)
as the story flowed, anyone bothered to read the story would know how lovely it was.
to put it short, it was cinderella story fell in love with his prince. but wait a minute, I don't want to put this short!
because the story was complex, lengthy, bittersweet... cinderella didn't even let any other suitor looked inside her locket, for the prince had fulfilled every single dreams of hers.
the prince had woven any single strands into gold weave, the prince was her home.
but the prince was just a human being and a disaster took place and undo button wasn't there to get things back the way it used to be.
cinderella thought the story has ended. cinderella had closed the book, forgetting about it for awhile until one day she's cleaning up her room and found the book again, covered with dust yet it was still giving her heart the familiar jolts...
she opened the book and started reading and writing for the second time.
but the goods had reached its expiration date.
the prince was still that prince who weave strands to gold, but he wouldn't be her home any longer.
she wasn't even cinderella any longer (she had become a carrie bradshaw then, hahaha) yet the story continued...
until today she received an invitation from the prince.
that she's cordially invited to his ball, a wedding celebration.
she loves the prince nonetheless, knowing that he would be her prince always.
she had loved the prince on the night they met, where he took her to three random places at one go ;)
she might come to the ball, but even if she couldn't make it, she would be sending prayers and happy thoughts to the prince.
for a life happily ever after. two invitations are open.
and two closed books are now sealed tight in the box. 
*phil collins' somewhere serenades a happy ending to a prince. just want to speak for the last time before I have to remain silent forever.*
| * | Nov 17, '07 1:51 PM
for everyone |
 + remember you told me that you've locked your heart and throw away the keys?
- yes, why? + I think I've just stumbled upon that key... *java jive's gerangan cinta playing to one encounter at central jakarta*
it was just another loud party. ashley beedle spinned like mad, audience responded, gyrated like they were being drugged - well they were, actually... amidst the crowd, a girl slouched sloppy on the couch.
alone, and she felt so lonely.
around her were human beings drinking, smoking, interacting, laughing, grinding to one another,
but she was just too occupied with her own mind.
and that very own mind had kept busy with linear thoughts of a memoir. she shook her head, hopefully that gesture will shake unwanted images off her head.
it didn't.
she sighed.
she wished she was someplace else.
anywhere but here, a whisper occured in her thoughts. no, not really anywhere.
anywhere within his embrace, honestly.
for he was her sanctuary. ah. sanctuary.
she could recall a sojourn that went wholeheartedly.
there was one time when they lazily spend the whole day on the bed.
and the whole night roaming freely, banging anywhere in the room...
at dawn they took a rest, smoking by the french window, naked.
he smiled to her slyly and his feet were caressing hers gently. there was also another time when they just couldn't hold it back at a party.
he had sworn he was seeing rare constellation in the sky, through the ceiling.
she couldn't care less for she was too busy riding him.
the heavy knocking and heavy shouting outside were lapelled, sound proofed by their sweet sighs. and there were several others that could make her moan by just recalling them. "here's your apple martini."
a voice came, abruptly crushing her memoirs down into the sands of time.
she looked up.
it was just a guy she went to this loud party with.
a supossedly decent guy who just couldn't pull it off somehow.
the guy was handing out her preference of drink.
she thanked him with a forlorn smile. "are you ok?"
he asked her, quite frankly. she had wanted to say no.
but she just bit on her lips and nod. her precious memoirs had been crushed down into the sands of time.
back to where it belonged. it was just another loud party with another guy,
and she was lonely once again.
| |
